Doing what you want to do, when you don’t want to do it

Part 1: The Decision to Sign Up

“Mental meal prep.” That’s what I call it.

Committing and following through even though you know at some point, you will have mixed feelings stirring doubt. It's deciding what you’re going to do before, so when doubt, regret, or disinterest creep in, you remember that a past version of yourself already said,

“I STILL WANT THIS.”

It’s easy to want something in the abstract — to picture a future where you’re stronger, more confident, better at your craft, and testing yourself publicly. But when the moment comes to show up, it’s just as easy to talk yourself out of it. Maybe you’re tired. Maybe you’re unsure. Maybe you convince yourself you don’t care that much anyway.

Or maybe you’re waiting for a feeling — certainty or confidence — to show up and give you permission to face the discomfort. But that’s a losing strategy. If you only take action when it feels good, you’ll never get where you want to go.

That’s the frustrating truth: anyone who accomplishes anything meaningful does so despite the discomfort, the doubt, the uncertainty. Not because of its absence. 

The Mental Block

I know this well.

As a coach, I tell my clients all the time:

• Decide your actions when you have clarity. And, commit in that moment.

• Make a plan to follow through, even when motivation disappears.

• Give yourself actions to choose from to stay consistent for different levels of bandwidth, but make sure all your options are accessible and maintain your baseline level of consistency.

This is something I practice in many areas of my life to keep me moving forward. 

But recently in competition? It’s been different.

I developed a habit of waiting until the last minute to sign up for tournaments, hoping I’d feel ready. If I didn’t feel perfectly dialed in, I wouldn’t register yet. Which usually meant not registering at all. If someone wasn’t already registered in my division, I’d hold off. I was waiting for the feeling of certainty to give me the green light. And, not surprisingly, that feeling rarely showed up. So, I rarely competed.

What’s enough, anyways?

I had flirted with the idea of competing at ADCC Portland. But, I’m not confident in nogi so I passed it up. And, by the time I decided to register for OC Open I realized my IBJJF registration had expired and wouldn’t be renewed before the registration deadline. That was my wake up call. If I was serious about competing consistently, this pattern had to change.

That’s when Erin (my mindset coach) gave me the push I needed. “Sign up for Pans this week”, she said, “you’ve already missed out on 2 tournaments”. 

She called it a commitment contract — a mental agreement to sign up, no matter how I felt in the moment, because it was clearly important to some version of myself. 

Action is the antidote to fear and uncertainty, because ya don’t know until you (excuse my french) fuck around and find out. 

I had mentioned in passing that I thought about Pans. But, the truth is I wasn’t serious about signing up because there were so many reasons not to. The excuses mounted:

• It’s expensive.

• I was planning a trip to see my family (also in Florida) around the same time.

• That meant I’d be away from San Diego for over 10 days, which felt too long.

• I’d have to find care for my dogs for a long period of time.

• I had been training a lot, but not with competition in mind.

• I wasn’t even signing up that early. How is this different? We were about a month away. Will I have time to get ready, for real? 

• And secretly I probably wondered, am I enough?

It didn’t make sense logistically. So I immediately told her, “I’m not sure, but I promise I’ll sign up for a tournament this week”. I could tell that answer wasn’t satisfactory.  

If we’re being real — competing never makes sense logistically. When does agreeing to go one on one with another woman trying to dislocate your limbs or choke you unconscious ever make sense? Of course, it’s scary. 

And now was a better time than ever. I was in shape, uninjured, and even had sponsors willing to contribute to my trip. And the action of signing up amid excuses was already breaking a unhelpful pattern.

Signing up would mean I wouldn't back out. It would mean facing the outcome, whatever it was. And now, have sponsors to answer to. Success or failure — I’d have to wear it.

But the second I heard her say it, it clicked in my brain as “mental meal prep.” The same strategy I have preached to my clients, and practiced everywhere else in my life for years:

• The decision was made ahead of time.

• Feelings weren’t part of the equation anymore.

• I knew doubt would show up, but that didn’t change my actions.

So I signed up for Pans. No waiting for the last-minute. No overthinking. Just a clear, calm decision: I’m doing this.

Deciding to compete wasn’t about feeling ready — it was about deciding I am ready. Just as I am, with commitment to my plans. 

Now comes the real work: putting it all together to show up as my best on competition day.

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